To A Judge

I follow you on facebook. I see your struggles. I see your ups and your downs. You share your life so honestly with the world. I admire you.

We have a lot of mutual friends. I hear the things they say about you. How much you know. How you have helped them. When you are struggling. How much they care about you.

I remember spying the back of your judge hoodie in the Denver airport. It was my first time traveling to a GP alone. You remembered me. You helped me take the bus to the hotel. It was late and cold. I was alone and scared. You made me feel welcome and safe.

Denver was a tough weekend for me. My personal demons reared their ugly heads. I never told anyone how much I was hurting, how much I just wanted to quit, go home, and hide under a blanket and never come out. You were there to make me smile, to show me what strength looks like, and to remind me that no matter the turmoil inside, I could face each day and make it great.

We've worked together since then. You have supported me on rough days. We've shared rides, shared meals, and shared stories - shared moments of our lives. We've had a few chats, but nothing too deep.

But today, on a day where we remember a friend that we lost too soon, I feel compelled to say the words to you. The ones that stick in my throat for fear of getting too close or being too real. The ones I think every time I see you hurting and want to reach out to you, but don't.

Thank you for being real. Thank you for being there. Thank you for sharing your story so openly with the judge community. Thank you for serving as an example of how to overcome challenges and for being a pillar of strength in an uncertain world. Thank you for never giving up and thank you for continuing to dream big. You are an inspiration to me and an example of what I hope to become.

I believe in you.

Judgiversary

I'm sitting alone in a hotel room in Mexico City. My roommates already left for the early shift. I'm munching on a granola bar from my backpack and pecking away at my computer, lamenting the fact that I didn't pre-prepare an awesome Judgiversary post. But that wouldn't be me. This blog is about celebrating my journey as a Magic judge in its rawest form, so preprinted sentiments would not be authentic enough for my tastes. Instead, I'll tell you the truth . .  .

I'm tired. My body aches all over and the headache has been with me for almost 2 weeks now. My shoulders and back are sore, I've lost feeling in one toe and am missing a toenail from another. My hair is dingy, my lips are cracked and I think this frog-voice my be permanent. When I get up in the morning, the limp from the plantar fasciitis takes longer and longer to subside. But more than my physical ills, I'm mentally exhausted. All the writing, traveling, networking, and learning new things each take their toll. I miss my family. My husband and 3 kids are at home without me. I'm alone in a foreign country where I'll see nothing but the inside of a hotel and convention center.

One year ago today I passed my L1. 

One year.

One crazy, exhausting, amazing, unbelievable year.

Many stories from that year are recorded my this blog: passing the L1, working my first event, passing the L2, organizing my first judge conference, my first team lead. Stories of the people, places, and experiences that have shaped me as a judge, and as a person. 

Some stories are not recorded. They are just too numerous to write. Some are reviews or exemplars. Some are too personal and too painful to share publicly. Some are still in the editing process. But those stories matter too. Each experience has shaped me and I will never be the same.

Five weeks ago I embarked on my most ambitious schedule yet. I judged an SCG Open where I had my first team lead, spoke at a mini conference 5 hours from my home, floor judged GP Orlando, ran registration for GP San Antonio, and judged GP Mexico City - on 5 consecutive weekends. In between I struggled to keep up with my personal and family obligations, hosted judges in my home, worked on our upcoming regional judge conference, wrote and edited blog posts for both my personal blog and for The Feedback Loop, and studied for an L3P.

While I wouldn't actually recommend this particular schedule, I also wouldn't change it. Each of these weekends offered me unique opportunities and steps I need to take to meet my personal goals in the judge program. From team leading for the first time to my first international event, my growth as a judge has taken off during this period. I'm excited to use my Spanish to help players and to work for a new TO. I'm gaining confidence in everything from my ability to translate Magic cards to my ability to ride a bus. (Yes, public transportation terrifies me.)

One of the most important things I've learned from judging is that you get out what you put in. I've chosen to invest myself in the program, and it has in turn invested in me. The time and effort I have chosen to spend have resulted in opportunities that I have opted to take. The cycle continues with me continually improving and learning and the program continuing to build me up.

I'm going to take a minute to thank a few people who have chosen to invest in me:

Jessica Livingston for our long talk last night after a hot chocolate date. Your insights keep me on track and your friendship means the world to me.

David Hibbs for stepping up to be our RC as well as an amazing mentor and friend. You took a chance on me and you continue to accept me despite my flaws and support my goals in the judge program.

Riki Hayashi for believing in me. When I first approached you, I had no idea what your reaction would be, but you accepted the feedback I offered and have invested in me and given me additional opportunities. 

John Carter for mentoring me. Words cannot express what your friendship and advice has meant to me this year. We met on my first weekend as a judge and you saw something in me that was worth developing. You are a demanding teacher, but I respect the high standards you hold for me and I'll continue striving to improve.

Sara Mox for listening to me. When I was lost in a complicated situation and didn't know where to turn, you took the time to help me sort out my convoluted thoughts and pointed me in the right direction. I'm still a judge today because of you.

Jeff Zandi, Dawna Havnar, Joe Sapp, Jim Shuman, James Anderson, Kyle Knudson, Sean Catanese, Antonio Zanutto, Ben Quasnitschka you guys each were a part of my GP Albuquerque weekend and my first weekend as a judge. Those early insights shape the judge I have become. Thanks for being a part of the train wreck that was my introduction to the fabulous world of judge travel.

My family. My mom serves as our babysitter. She's always there to help out when travel plans are crazy, tournaments run long, and the migraines hit after an event. While I'm not always good at expressing it, I appreciate my mom more that I can describe. She has loved and supported me and my family through this crazy journey with a smile on her face and enough energy to keep up with all the moving pieces.

Brian Leonard. My amazing husband has stepped up and supported my dreams in a way I never even imagined. When I told him my lofty judge goals, he said, "We'll make it happen." Despite working full time and being a college student, he spends his weekends taking care of 3 preschoolers so that I can travel the world in my judge blacks. He's always there to listen to my rantings, proofread my blog posts, work at my judge conferences, floor judge for me, and tell me when I'm wrong. His integrity, honesty, and unfailing love have made my journey possible. 

To wrap things up, last June at GP Columbus, my team lead Adena Chernosky asked us about our judge goals. One of mine was to judge a GP in Latin America. Well . . . . check! Take that one off the list! 

I still have many things I want to accomplish as a judge, so I'd better go hop in the shower because my shift starts in 2 hours. I can't imagine a better way to spend my first Judgiversary than on the floor.