Saturday, February 13, 2016

Failed!

I failed today.

I fail every day in the little things like 'I forgot to empty the cat box' or 'I wore my underwear inside out all day.' But failure in the BIG things is pretty rare for me.  It only happens when I step outside my box and reach for something new.  I love a challenge.  I love the feeling of learning, working, struggling, and coming out on top.

I've had a lot of success.
My accomplishments include:

  • Yearbook Editor
  • Spanish Club President
  • Golf Team Captain
  • High School Valedictorian
  • Bachelor's Degree
  • Master's Degree
  • Won UIL, MathCounts, and Future City competitions and awards
  • Married to the man of my dreams
  • World of Warcraft Guild Leader of a Top 200 US ranked guild
  • Bought the perfect house
  • 3 beautiful kids and a TON of parenting milestones
  • Gotten every job I have ever still wanted after the interview
  • And too many more to list . . ..
The last failure of this magnitude that I can remember was in the 7th grade (over 20 years ago).  I tried out for cheerleader.  I was not cute, terribly athletic, or perky in any way, but I saw those cool girls and wanted to be one of them.  I went to a few classes and thought I knew what I was doing, but I was in way over my head.  I came home, cried, and thought the world was ending.  (I was a preteen girl - the world WAS ending!)  My parents helped me to see that the world was not in fact ending, but that there would be other opportunities.  After some mourning, I got busy - I attended cheer classes, tumbling clinics, practices, and anything else I could for an entire year.  And the next year, I tried out again and made the squad.  While I still get that sick to my stomach feeling when I think back to that day of finding out that I didn't make it the first time, I'm now glad for the experience because it taught me how to fail - and fail hard - and still bounce back.  And as an adult looking back, I can see that I am a better person for it.  

I'm so glad that I have the guts to try - to go for it - to stretch myself into new territory.  I'm used to great success and little else.  In fact, so used to it that I've forgotten what it feels like to fail.  

To be fair, I knew I was reaching on this one before I even started.  I have been playing Magic for less than a year.  Many players were playing when I was in 7th grade - literally.  Most players testing for judge certification have played a lot more Magic than me, for a lot more years.  It's a complicated game.  It has a lot of complex rules to memorize and even more intricate interactions among those rules.  I have studied - a lot.  I have done everything I knew to do including asking others to help, reading the rules online, taking practice tests, playing JudgeTower, following forums, interacting with other judges, and trying to immerse myself in the mindset of a judge.  While I learned many, many things, it wasn't enough.

I failed.

And that's ok.  I knew going in that rules were not my strong suit.  I was still struggling with some concepts that I needed to know.  I also had some misconceptions in my head form mistakes I made while studying.  In the end, I failed by 2%, which means I was close, but I didn't get there.  

My judge mentor said, "I think you are ready for the task in attitude. And that is what makes great judges, not all the v rules stuff. :-)"[sic]  While his undeserved compliment certainly assuaged my bruised ego, it also led to some serious introspection.  I 'studied' the wrong things.  I worried about how judges look, how they act, and how they interact because I was worried about the interview.  I was worried that this man would see me, a female new player, as not worthy of being a judge.  I tried to figure out what questions he would ask me and how to answer them to convince him of my worth.  Looking back, my efforts paid off, and I must have seemed fairly competent because he only asked me 1 question, "Do you have any questions for me?"  Needless to say, I had no idea how to answer that one.  There were millions of them running through my head - tricky rules interactions, queries about working at larger events, fears of handling tough situations, details of infractions, and even wondering about the possibility of further advancement - but I didn't dare ask any of them right then.  He was busy simultaneously working with 4 judges/candidates and I was too nervous to think clearly, so I just took the test.

But I didn't know the rules well enough to pass.  I missed 3 questions about the exact same mechanic, giving the same incorrect answer 3 times.  I missed 2 questions by not reading carefully enough.  I missed 2 more questions by just getting them wrong.  And the last question I missed my mentor said he would have chosen the same answer as me.  So overall, I missed enough things in enough different ways to conclusively say that it was me - not the test, bad questions, weird wording, or any other reason.

I would actually guess that the rules test is a 'non-issue' with many judge candidates because the longer you play the game, the more rules you learn, which leaves me, the new player, at a decided disadvantage of my own making.

So while I could use this time for anger, frustration, sadness, or laying blame, I think I'll skip all of those and do what I did 20+ years ago when I failed.  I'll pick myself up and go study the rules a little harder, because when the opportunity to test comes up again, I will be prepared.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Evolution of a Judge

I am preparing to take a test.  Not really just a test, a TEST.  A big deal opportunity for me to take a step up in the world.  In this particular case, it's a test related to a hobby I enjoy.  I'm really excited about it, but I'm a little terrified at the same time.  After 4 years of being a stay-at-home mom, it's a little weird getting back out into the gaming scene.  Keep reading to follow my journey into a whole new world.

In 2013, my husband and his friends wanted to play Magic: The Gathering at his dad's house while we were in Seattle visiting for Christmas.  I had never played before, and other than hearing the name, knew nothing about it, but decided that I like games . . . so what's to lose, right?

Background on me: I play to win.  Every game, all the time, every time.  I play for fun too.  Winning is fun.  When I learn a new game, I read the rules (all of them) and use them to my advantage while playing.  I ask questions, exploit gray areas, and generally push the limits.  Playing by the rules is important to me though - cheating is not ok, even if it means that you lose.

Magic is a complicated game.  Really complicated.  The rules are found in an app that is hundreds of pages long.  Clearly, I started out at a disadvantage.

We began with a draft.  This means that we sat in a circle and each opened a package containing 15 cards.  We then selected 1 card, and passed the rest to the person on our left.  So next we are each holding 14 cards.  Pick 1, pass 13 to the left.  You get the idea.  After doing this for 3 packages (passing the second package to the right, third package to the left again), you hold 45 cards from which you assemble a deck (stack of cards) to use to play against other people.

I took my 45 cards and looked at them.  They were all the same color (good, right?) and had various skills and abilities, none of which I knew anything about.  I chose the best ones for my deck by looking at them and guessing how good they were.  Let's just say . . . I lost every game.  In fact I lost every game badly even while my opponents tried to tell me the rules as I repeatedly broke most of them.

That night, one of the guys there was D'Art.  D'Art said he was a "judge."  That sounded pretty scary, but it turned out that he has a passion for helping new players.  In fact, the way he explained the concepts to me made the game accessible to me.  It changed 'something I didn't understand' into 'something I could learn.'  He took his time and didn't rush me, explaining the same thing over and over again if necessary (and it was very necessary).  He broke concepts down into smaller parts and explained the complicated vocabulary of tapping lands for mana, declaring attackers and blockers, casting spells, and responding to triggered abilities.  While I can't say it improved my play that night, I am forever grateful to D'Art for opening that first door for me to learn the game.

We played again a few nights later.  We even went to a game store to buy more cards.  (Yet another enlightening experience . . . )  My play didn't improve much, and after that trip, I twice went to a local game store in February, and lost badly.  My husband kept playing sporadically, but I pretty much stopped. (I did play once in May - badly.)

In Seattle again for Thanksgiving 2014, we played more Magic with the same guys.  I was still terrible, but I had learned a little from watching my husband play.  It was more fun than the first time.  (This is where the addiction starts.  Golfers, you understand this too.)

My husband and his brother started playing pretty regularly.  He went every Friday night to play and sometimes even entered tournaments on Saturdays.  I, still clueless, tried the game store once more in December, and then just watched him play from time to time, and was a little jealous of the fun he was having.  He made new friends, built decks, traded cards, and got invited to drafts at people's houses.

May 2015: While I was pregnant with our 3rd child, I for some inexplicable reason decided that I wanted to go to Las Vegas with him for a Magic Grand Prix tournament.  I had never been to Las Vegas and thought the trip would be fun.  He could play; I could explore.  We could eat, enjoy shows, and I could watch him play in the tournament on Saturday.  His dad had a timeshare we could use; my mom agreed to watch our 2 toddlers . . . it was a plan.

Somehow the idea came up that I could play in the tournament.  It wasn't that expensive.  The format was sealed (you get your cards there and do not have to bring a premade deck), so it didn't matter that I had no cards.  It sounded like more fun that just watching.  Plus, you could sign up for a VIP package with cool perks like a name badge and a 'meet and greet' with famous Magic players.  (It turns out that this VIP thing also entitled you to 4 days of free freshly baked Mrs Field's cookies -served warm anytime you wanted one.)  So while I was nervous about the actual playing, I registered. More accurately, my husband registered me, despite my trepidation.

Several other local guys went to this tournament.  They all had matching shirts to represent our local game store.  (Thanks Area 51!) My awesome husband got me a shirt too!!  (Please note: I'm pretty sure that the local store was in no way actually affiliated with me since I had darkened their door a grand total of 5 times before this experience.  I'm also pretty sure that they would have been horrified to be represented by my inept play.)  I was excited to be a part of the group, even if I wasn't really 'on the team.'  I felt so proud to be a player.

I quizzed my husband on the rules and on how tournaments work, having never been to one before.  He kept telling me to "call a judge" if I had questions or needed help.  That sounded like a terrible idea - ask the lords of the game to waste their time on me? Plus, I didn't want to get penalized for being terrible. I mentally resolved that calling a judge would be a last resort and that I would never be that desperate.

So somewhere along the way, out trip got extended.  We flew in Wednesday night and left Monday morning so that we would have 4 full, glorious days of playing Magic.  I had also booked us to see several shows and checked out Grand Canyon tours and other local Magic-free adventures.  As I waddled my 7 month-pregnant self from the airport to our room, I realized just how HOT it was in the desert in May.  Any outdoor plans were immediately nixed.  That first night we enjoyed walking the strip, saw a show, purchased a few necessities at an exorbitant price from a convenience store, and went to bed.

Thursday morning we arrived early to check in for the tournament and claim the all important VIP badges.  We pre-registered for a Sealed Trial (basically a practice Magic tournament).  We played a few small side events, and then in the Sealed Trial, I actually did pretty well.  (I went 3-1-1. Three wins, 1 loss, 1 draw.)  That was a turning point for me.  It whetted my appetite for winning - a dangerously insatiable thing.

As the weekend continued, I immersed myself in not just the game of Magic, but the culture as well.  We met up with our local team guys and enjoyed hanging out together.  We met artists who created the cards, professional players, and lots of other gamers just like us.

The Magic community is a very inclusive group.  No one seems to care if you have purple hair, lots of piercings, a wheelchair, makeup on, or anything else.  There are players of every race and nationality.  Players from all over, speaking all kids of languages. Players who are brand new to the game (me!), players who have played for 20 years (literally).  Everyone just plays with and against whoever they are paired with, happily, without judgment.  Note: While bathing is encouraged, even that is not required!

By Friday, I never wanted to leave the convention center.  The strip was hot, crowded, loud, dirty, and really not that much fun.  Inside that building I found a community of people that embraced me and valued one another for their skills, not their looks or other superficial things. I knew I was home.

While I can't say that I played well the rest of the weekend, I can certainly say that I had fun.  I loved every minute of it.  I started to feel the flow of matches and games.  I learned the little things, like how to shuffle the cards, and how to keep life totals.

I even called a judge a few times!  These judges were not tyrants or rulers.  They were actually really cool guys.  They seemed to like helping players (even really bad ones).  They explained the rules and I learned a lot.  Their rulings generally caused me to lose - but it was my own fault, and I accept that.  Each judge smiled at me, looked me in the eye, clearly detailed the situation and what occurred, and corrected my misunderstandings. I am ever so grateful for these gentlemen who took the time to be kind while dealing with a newbie like me.

On Saturday, in the main event, my husband and I were slotted on opposite sides of the room for an 8,000 player event.  I was a bit nervous reporting to my table for the player meeting, but the judges walked us all through deck registration, construction, and the tournament itself.  I lost my first 3 matches pretty quickly . . .

My husband did well, and one of our friends did even better.  He made it to the second day of the event!  Seeing that success was energizing - it made me crave more as well.  I knew that Magic was no longer my husband's hobby.  It was mine as well.

In the 2 months following that trip, I attended a couple more Friday Night Magic (FNM) events and a couple of larger tournaments.  Then in July I played in another Grand Prix, this one in our home city.  It was still a couple of weeks before my due date, so I explained to my husband that if I went into labor, we would finish the tournament, then head to the hospital.  That way he would not hastily drop form the tournament if my water broke!  I didn't play well again, but had a blast!

My husband told me that the way to get good at Magic is to lose a lot of games.  Well, I worked hard towards that goal - and lost a lot of games!

I took a few weeks off in August to have a baby, but otherwise, I was at FNM as many weeks as I could find a babysitter.

I did notice that our local store rarely had a judge around.  The rounds were always running late.  No one knew what was going on. The store owner often made rulings on games, which a player looked up afterwards and they were often wrong.  I missed the more structured, well run atmosphere of the Grand Prix events.  Note: Our players were always gracious and accepted the situation for what it was.

I decided to pursue my judge certification.  My husband was working on his, so I knew the steps, and set about following them on my own.  In October I learned how to take practice tests online.  I downloaded the rules app to my phone and began studying.  The I took test after test, failing most of them.  While I didn't score well, I learned a lot.  I saw my weaknesses and worked on learning those things.

After a while I felt like I should just drop it.  I was terrible at the rules and my husband constantly pointed that out.  Even when I thought I made a correct ruling, he shot me down.  Then one night, we disagreed on a ruling while playing at home.  I explained my ruling and cited the relevant rules text and he still told me I was wrong.  A few days later, he looked me in the eye and apologized.  He explained that I had been correct and he disliked that he was incorrect.  That moment was another game changer.

Since then we have disagreed on many rulings, but we have looked them up to see who was correct, and I'm proud to say that my percentage is improving.  My confidence was waning, but seeing that he could accept my rulings changed that.  Realizing that knowledge and correct application of the rules would gain me respect regardless of how long I have played was refreshing.  My excitement grew and I studied harder.  The local store even let me help judge a few casual events.

For Christmas 2015, we returned to Seattle and I got another chance to play with the guys who saw my first Magic draft.  It was quite a different experience! They played with me as an equal.  I even got the chance to thank D'Art for showing me how cool judges are as well as helping me learn to play.  I came home excited about joining the ranks of judging! I set a personal goal to complete my L1 judge certification before our anniversary trip (to a Magic Grand Prix of course!) at the end of February.

I joined a Magic Facebook group and started following the local scene, especially noting the local judges.  While I don't get to go out and play as much as I'd like (babysitting is expensive!) at least I'm in the loop. I also set up a profile on the judge website and learned how to apply to judge at larger events.  I've also tried to help out the local store with their publicity by promoting them on Facebook and updating the in-store calendar.  I'm excited to help grow the game of Magic in our local community.

In the past weeks, I played in several larger competitive events, paying attention to how they were run as well as the judges roles and behaviors.  I also took and passed the online L0 test and the L1 practice test.  I joined a Facebook Magic study group, and familiarized myself with our regional coordinator.  I am gaining more and more confidence in my rulings, and I feel like I'm ready.

A few days ago, I contacted a local L2 judge who can test me for my L1.  This particular judge was recommended to me by my husband as a quality judge who is working on his L3 and looking to certify new judges.  Note: He certified my husband.

Background on me: While I love my husband and enjoy gaming with him, it is important to me that what I achieve, I achieve on my own.  (Warning: I might get a little militant about this part!)

I messaged the judge on Facebook, but received no response after several days of excitedly checking my phone.  Grudgingly, I asked my husband for the judge's Hangouts name and sent a message.  He replied instantly!

I introduced myself and said that I was looking to become a judge.  He immediately asked who referred me to him. Fair question I suppose, but I was hoping to avoid the 'tag-along-wife' moniker.  I simply stated my husband's name.  The L2's response, "By the last name am i correct in assuming you are related? :-)" [sic]

*sigh* I didn't want to go there.  I wanted to do this on my own.  But no way to dodge that question.  I told him the truth.

"Has he been working with you on the rules . . ."  No!!!!!  Well, actually yes, he has.  At my insistence.  As I'm studying, I ask him about concepts I need clarification on and we work through scenarios together.  I do most of my studying on my own.  I just practice with my husband.  And yes, our pillow talk is about Magic.

Again, I don't mind that I study with my husband, but the way the question was phrased sounded to me like it implied that the impetus was on my husband - and that is not true.  My desire to be a judge has nothing to do with him.

The judge finally moved on to asking about my qualifications. I have met all of the requirements to test, so he invited me to meet up with him in 2 weeks for the test.  My excitement was tempered when he suggested that I bring my husband.

Maybe I'm reading too much into things here, but I think I can test on my own.  I can drive myself (I know, woman drivers!), I know the material, I will rock the interview - I'm ready for this.  All my work and studying really felt belittled by "bring your husband."

I am quite certain that this judge meant no offense.  In fact, he was probably being nice and trying to make me feel more comfortable.

I internally ranted and raved about feeling like a lesser human being due to 'lack of penis,' but outwardly I kept my cool and responded politely to the judge.  I know that the only way to change the  initial opinion that a female, newer player, whose husband is a judge is not as good is to be THAT GOOD.  So in 2 weeks, I will go alone, pass my test, ace my interview, and show that judge (and more importantly myself) that I am qualified to judge and that I will be an asset to the Magic community as an L1.

Then I'll start work on my L2 . . .